My LiveJournal

welcome to marcy's personal blog. this is where i go to spam unhinged shit most of the time why? because i like to and i dont care

any images will be accompanied with alt text + the theme is subject to change at any point. this is based off of livejournal if you couldn't tell/ dont know what livejournal is to which i say jesus im old

you should be warned that this page contains 18+/NSFW discussions in an unfiltered manner with topics including self harm, suicide/suicidal ideation, eating disorders, drugs, bdsm, sexual assault, general sexual.. things? i cannot control what you do however proceed with caution! i am a mentally unstable individual!

well. okay. hmm. i think ive been doing better recently. ive been working alot but not tooo much? been taking a little break but gonna get back on shit today after i do phone calls around 1 ish maaaybe. idk. feel a little stressed by all this hahah? cant ignore everything forever though so gotta get back to work soon-ish on kawfee AND dt. dts mine and ames project. its funnnn. im exciteeeddd. i like blaze the cat and sonic the hedgehog.

heeyyy hooooo hiii i havent posted in here in a while but ive just been.. busy. having fun! me and amy have been playing alot of games, sonic rumble, atlyss, dandys world, om, runescape, webfishing.. just alot and ive been working on kawfee since like a month ago thats my new fanfic site and fuuck its gruelling.
every day not spent on it is another day worrying bout it but i gotta relax and take breaksssss i gotta. anyways um. im 19! in a week! i might updat emore then im still kinda busy today :( oh i think bro is home too so maybe i finish breakfast then go eat yayyyy

wooo woo isnt this poggies. hold on this video is lowkey kind of grabbing my attention this guy talks about data mismanagement really well. anyways generator made! no more stupid placeholder at the top, simply clean efficient and automated. thanks amy btw she tried this first but couldnt get it working so i tried it myself and it was fun! yay! hers looks better tho lmaoo and shes free to fork my code for ittt

ok umm what else idk. been coding too much lately? need to take a break so im doing jus tthat and playing a bunch of sonic rn. hahahahaaa. :3

been playing crossworlds and frontiers. frontiers is so good thats what im gonna go play like. rn. im bored. i wanna go play frontiers...! ok bye fr fr

alot of things have been happening ive been hella busy lowkey.. but the main thing is games have been updating which means that p3r updated and made me think of him of what we said we would do of what i thought would happen.. us staying up late at night waiting for it on launch day to play it together in his room. that never happened ofc.

but the discussions we had did.. the things he said to me happened the things he did to me and how he hurt me. i dont like to use the term broke anymore. i spent alot of my time telling myself he broke me and that i was unfixable.. the better term is that he hurt me. and ill heal one day, but its a slow and painful process. along with the fact that umm the enviroment around me isnt good for healing right now haha.. hopefully trying to make it much better though!!!! ive been keeping to myself or the same few friends recently which actually isnt as bad as youd think

got back in contact with amy yaaay. i felt bad and like i didnt communicate well enough which is true i struggle with setting my own boundaries and just letting myself be a doormat alot now cause i want people to stay but at the same time that hurts me and them more than anything ive realized that now and i cant really repeat what people have done to me to them you know? isnt it interesting how the way we mark something as bad is if its happened to someone/something we know? like it only really matters if it affects us? (´･ω･`)?

maybe thats jsut how i see ppl online act cause god knows i dont go outside anymore.. i havent rlly since i was 15-16. ofc i remember why i became this way my whole body ached and people were horrible to be around especially where i live i dress very alt and people dont like that i either get called slurs or beaten up and i didnt want to start changing myself that badly for other people when i knew it was something that made me happy. one of the FEW things i knew that made ME happy and Not anybody else so. i just stopped going outside and became the words most professional neet. i regret that a little tho because like i wish i had some irl friends lmaooooo. ppl have told me to go back to school or get a job and to that i say - i need major therapy first! then maybe. i used to have a job for like the past 3 years but i quit bc i nearly died in an electrical fire

yeah my life is sooo funsies and everybody wishes they could be meeeeeeeeeeeeee sure sure. also i dont wanna get on a dating app ppl have told me its the bottom of the barrel so i will sit and pout instead and think of shadow the hedgehog

one thought. i do have alot though is. i just have to wonder what they think of me. all of them everybody whos hurt me in this way. am i a villain to them? of course to some of them i am thats why i like one so much. shes percieved in such a way by her own former friends... when all she wanted to do was fix it. i think im just nuanced and biased about her though so i dont participate on discussions online anymore. i think thats why i align with just villain characters in general i like lucy (con-woman) and junko enoshima (do i need to say it) alot.. maybe its just because it helps me with my feelings.

i wonder if they read what i put out here. probably not, right? but its always a possibility that one of the 60k views is.. them. one of them, it doesnt matter who it is. i dont want to put anybody on the spotlight here but i'm almost certain that atleast one. ONE of the views has been him or them or it and them. and maybe it isnt more than looking at the index, going "thats what shes like now" maybe its not more than just clicking on it and immediately clicking off but theres always the possibility that they read every word i write. theres the possibility that theres someone out there, who i dont even know, who reads all of these words of my most personal thoughts; thats the issue with putting things online without password locks though isnt it haha in a way im almost asking for it. see it as a cry for help or whatever.. but really i just like to make things i can show to my friends and have my own spaces to express myself. im not a fan of other journalling sites nor do i keep up with them as much as i do with my own sites.

mm. i dont really know what there is more to say here than i havent already? i miss the affection he gave me. i miss.. the comforting prison they held for us? the confines that hold you are always the most comfortable compared to the harsh outdoors. something unfamiliar and unknown. it terrifies you to your core but. at the same time no progress will be made without venturing further. thats how the human species.. adapts? and changes and grows. and god knows we all need to grow and change. i cant stay in the chains of the past forever. as much as i want to and as often as i come back to it or think about it.. i think thats okay. i think everybody does that. as long as i express it in a healthy way and keep on moving forward with my own projects. i cant let anything or anyone weigh me down anymore and i never will again

i think this is the longest post i've done like ever haha sorry about that! i just have alot to say today i guess :P this did really help me process though and im glad i did this!! aaand if anybody who knows me rn is reading im fine! i just like to process my thoughts through words instead of internally i guess? ive always been like this LMAO. aaaand if any of the ppl i mentioned are reading

FUCK!! YOU!!! IM EPIC!!!

heehe ok byeeee (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶) ‹𝟹

girl who goes "ahhhh im so lame i dont do anything" and then i made a whole fanfiction site for myself, run a pastebin site, make my own coffee manually yes i grind up the beans too best way, draw, code, know about sooo much and i bake too like. okay so im awesome btw. i rlly wanna make more cookies when i can omg the ones i made the other day i miss so bad...

amy forked this for an oc/class thingy here so u can go check out another version!! its rlly simple just a html/css file with comments and everything. the weird indentation is just due to how zed cleans it up which btw i switched from vscode to zed and i LOVE it. its sooo good everybody should ditch vscode. aaahhh this coffee is so good i love smokes and coffee in the morning... i dont want it to get cold so i think im gonna go back to rping with ames and ye we're working on a cool object show thing and we've been playing alot of dandys + atlyss.. i main vee she mains shelly with their new halloween skins!! theyre soo cute i love em ok bye

isn't this cool! my personal blog has its own little page instead of being tucked in desktop.. idk i felt like it was getting too big anddd people could access it too easily! now theyll be thrown off hahaha. anyways tpot 20 was really good i am constantly thinking about one and relating to her if you couldnt tell by the theme god i love one tpot. okay so ive moved all the heavy dev stuff to trisua for pastry right now i just need to focus on automation, making site decisions andd writing contracts mostly. lots of paperwork isnt that fun

the last few days have been.. busy. idk havent had a real moment to chill until today, taking the day off mostly. i dont consider this blog coding so :p.. i made breakfast (pasta with cheese aka blues concoction) and im gonna make a mocha for myself after this.. gonna watch yt, play atlyss + dandy.. oh ugh i need to fix up my discord intergration webpage but other than that i think most of my projects are done. maybe marcy-bot if ppl report errors but none so far.. UMMM. yeah idk if theres much else to really say maybeee have a picture of amy rose. no wait the latest sonic channel jp art

SHES BEAUTIFUL ILY LET HER HAVE HER SWEETS ILY ILY AWESOME BLAZE YAY ok bye!!!!!

ok so. i gave up on the givingup smoking thing i am still smoking. 2. i own twtsutck now??? weird isnt it! weird to me. ill keep this short ig, ive been working hard and i archived everything and made a viewer and yeah and im working on v3 for desktop too so like. alot is happening!! GET EXCITED!!! but desktop v3 might take a while bc its just SO much and im still planning it out and yeah layout isnt neat hhghgh. anyways. ive been thinking about Him again. you know. evil ex. idk what to say that i havent aleady said etc etc he broke me etc etc but uhh yeah. idk. maybe i am not fully broken. no gf or bf for me sure but i will work harder than ever before no matter what because i know this matters to some people even if only a few and they dont like me that much LOL.

still not going that good. im gonna move this to it's own page because it's getting too big maybe? i don't know. gonna start incorporating images because large chunks of text are personally harder and harder for me to read. wrists are getting worse, especially left one. sprained my ankle so i cant go on runs. quitting smoking atleast even though i really dont want to. its been. a rough month haha. really rough. it feels like nothing is ever going to get better right now, but i just know i can't give up no matter what. i've been baking recently again, i like doing that but people dont really eat my stuff so its like bleh :(

been focusing on work alot. coding, art, whatever. applying for admin positions, getting legal sorted. all scary adult stuff i barely feel like im getting through but people look up to me somehow and think im sooooo cool. i dont know how people think im over 20 sometimes LMAO im literally a mess. but yeah! marcytown hasnt been fun! i wish i had weed!!!!! i wish i had a boyfriend and i wish my father wasnt dying. i wish i could go outside normally without another person in fear of being sexually assaulted! but. nope! the reality we live in!

guys im literally lucy edgerunners! im gonna shower then sleep maybe. maybe have one final cig :(

oooo 10 days or so whatever. uhhh idk i havent been well recently? i just. ive been isolated i guess. friends cut me off after dad got sick said i wasnt acive enough so that was. kinda not fun, bf dumped me like i said. umm. i have the good handful of friends that occasionally text me but thats really it. idk. feels like life is just getting shittier and shittier for me rn, but i try to distract and keep up good appearences. recently found out ppl actually read this. whaaaaat? hi if you actually. care enough to??? i genuinely didnt think people. cared enough???? to check this. i dont think alot of people actually care about me and just. like the idea of me as a friend not what comes with my mentally ill attention hungry ass. yeah. ive been thinking recently that maybe im too much for some people. maybe i just need to change myself again until people like me more? hide the parts they dont like? gives me shivers when i think about it like im going through a graveyard but i dont see another way people would tolerate being around me for more than a few months. i lie and i say that i run away but its more like i can tell when im not wanted anymore. i can tell when they look at me weird for expressing myself too much or like im a pity party case to be studied about what happened to me, all of it. so how can i really ever trust another person again? i dunno is the answer! i dunno how i can even tolerate. sitting here writing this to a bunch of people ive never met before. some i will have but. the majority of you who are skimming through this website don't actually know who i am, or are an old friend coming to check up on how i am, maybe laugh about it with your current friends. all i can say is please dont forget me. no matter what i did, all i want is to be remembered. thats all. when i eventually go, by suicide or drugs or some fucking illness im not even prepared to find out yet, just don't forget what i made and that i was here. please. yeah. bye

people have told me to start journalling so i guess ill keep ontop of this? its a good way to get stuff out and feel good about it after i guess. dads being moved to hospice, he came home on friday or so and, its horrible. just.. horrible. we cant do this, someone has to monitor him 24/7 to make sure he doesnt take off his oxygen or do something stupid. hes like a child. he got physically aggressive with me today and he hurt me alot. i think he did the same to my brother, so its more than likely at this point. its disrespecting his last wishes but at the same time when hes so angry, and making us all suffer in return i know he'd just want us to be in as least pain as possible aswell as him. he just wanted to make sure everything was alright. the sams have taken over paperwork and i deal with the less nice stuff aka dads business, collecting debts chasing up people, telling certain ones to fuck off. its bad. people have visited alot, delivered groceries, made us food, its really nice. alot has been happening and very quickly, im talking to a different person every hour at this point, whether it be a nurse or a family member or a friend or what. i was supposed to go out with rogue! but shes sick so we're replanning for tomorrow, she has a movie pass so its literally whatever.. she came over a few times recently, like a fucking saint lmaoo. charmaine is over too, shes the one giving us food. offered to let us chill out at hers too but i politely declined cause itll cause sam so much stress and hes doing worse than me i think. i think. idk, he had The Crisis Team aka the people who come to assess if ur suicidal or not round and they went yep buddy youre suicidal so hopefully more meds for him to help him cope. ive been ignoring myself and my health, i take a shower every few days and change my clothes then and brush my teeth every day or two, not been eating good or drinkign alot admittedly. same with sleep. off my meds entirely atp because going out of my way to get a refill would be taking time out of my day to take care of him.

my room is a fucking mess too LOL did i say that already? idk. i offered to take day today since sam took night but thankfully charmaine and big sam relieved me of it yayyy. i started using moms tarot today, one of the carers saw and asked me about it. it was really nice, probably the nicest interaction ive had in days LOL and it was a very very small thing. its a special deck atleast to me, gentle wisdom of the faerie realm by sasha st john.. the art is amazing though the deck itself is more up to interpretation and not one to one with regular tarot decks. ..anyways. i drew a card for myself for today and it was challenge which in the booklet it states "2. step carefully and lightly around the thorns. move forward being aware that you are surrounded by great beauty and that the thorns are actually quite small. remember; where there is challenge there is opportunity." i chose to interpret this myself as the chariot card which is about overcoming conflicts and perservering during hard times, one that i think encapsulates this card quite nicely. for there is challenge there is opportunity and all. i think im gonna keep using tarot over the next few days, its really helping me more than i expected. might pick up wicca again too, idk. religion helps others cope, and ive never been much of a religious person aside from the occasional episode but i have a feeling it really might be useful here.

well they lead me on for a while LOL. oh well. i guess its better it ends now rather than i get too excited and. yeah. ugh. dad. is dying. they said he has a week left to live. big sam (my oldest brother, cause both of my bros are called sam.. little sam and big sam!) came over and hes been great but. idk. i havent been dealing with it well. i got to stay home today from the hospital but i just really do feel worse even though im sick and i HAD to since the hospital bed is being delivered. hes spending his final days at home. it really scares me. hes on alot of drugs and barely understandable hes not my dad and yet he is and its fucked up. my home wont be my home for a while. estimation is monday or tuesday and it approaches closer every fucking hour and its terrifying. i dont know why i didnt do more.

he made me a playlist a while ago, i dont remember when but a few months ago. mostly songs we both liked but theres alot of stuff that reminds me of him and its fucked up. it hurts just seeing his spotify profile being the one that made the playlist so ill port it over to winamp. i dont really like crying during the day because then everybody tries to comfort me. like mostly i just wanna play roblox. its a good escapism from everything, not just with that guy but with dad and. yeah, i just really cant catch a fucking break! i hope rogue calls soon. im worried about her.

own pastry now. yeah. whatever. idk. i like someone and my friends are saying its moving too fast? i think theyre stupid and dumb and if it was i would know and kill someone. also i dotn care and i hate them all rn lowk theyve been a little shitty to me so im just like uggghhh whatever dudes. I just wanna be wanted and she wants that and they care about me and idk. i care about them. even if its moving fast. they all have relationships they dont get it so theyre stupid. they dont get what its like to not be wanted. its not like im obsessing over him. but then they come in and fucking make me angry and whatever. i have donut and coffee and smokes. im awesome and epic and they suck.

i considered pushing out an update but i realized im just too tired to. ive been thinking about alot lately. realized im asexual but that kind of made the want for a relationship in the romantic sense stronger. god knows that i wont find anybody like ever considering i never ever go outside but. whatever. i can fantasize. friends have been distant. only a few even keep up with me now, the others just kinda watch as i descend into madness from the sidelines. so yeah bad month. ill get over it probably

ugh 2 days later and im already breaking down at 6 am. i know imm meant to be responsible right now and keep a good image but im just really tired okay. i just dont know if naybody would miss me if i disappeared they might pretend to. but for more than a few seconds i dont think they would. i always talk to my friends about their interests and indulge them and stuff but nobody ever asks me stuff. maybe im a people pleaser maybe what I do just isnt what other people do but it feels wrong and it hurts me alot. I showed my dad pastry and my art on the 404 and he didnt ecen care. i dont know maybe im over reacting and i need to shut up and die maybe i was better off with makoto . atleast i had a purpose instead of pining over some guy that probably doesnt even feel the same. i dont know what to do But i think im gonna go for a run its 6 am its bright out nobody will be outside and if dads up then ill just say i got upset for no reason and yeah Then atleast he wont worry if he hears the door. I was gonna push out an update but idk. sorry. bye

oh its been a while a while!! sorry guys! me and him kept talking thankfully. just on and off but, thats how life goes. i met a good friend through my big project and its in beta testing etc.. launching a new shrine today too im really happy with how it turned out!! took way longer than i expected it was meant to come out last month but things happen.. umm. ive just been busy tbh no time for emotional things. dad's been fine, went out with that friend a few more times so im still getting out... probably need to keep up with my p5x streak more LOL ok umm byee play umamusume

something weird kinda happened yesterday. i got contacted by an old friend of mine. i mean, in retrospect it wasnt that weird. we'd always kept in such even after we stopped being friends friends and we checked up like once every 6 months. it's been.. maybe a year or two since we last spoke? with everything going on, i couldn't really face anybody from my past. i felt like i had been stalking them constantly, so maybe some time away would do some good, right? and he contacted me first this time, about my status on discord actually because i stayed up too late debugging my latest project. idk, it was a nice chat! we caught up, he recommended me a game and i recommended him a song or two. normal! we talked about why i hadnt been in touch and maybe even talking some more in the future. i think itd be nice. but, idk its weird for people to say 'youre so like future looking! you never look back!' thats a recent development like this year. last year?? i was all 'I need to fix all my problems and all the things i did wrong A S A P' and im so glad to NOT be like that now. but thats after years of shit like that AND going through a whole fucking bad relationship and anime arc lol

okay so youre probably like thennn why are you talking about this? everything went good? yeah. It did and idk. its nice. i always had this.. idea that he was doing better than me. he was the end goal with lots of friends who love him and a girlfriend and such but. idk. now? im happy. i love my friends i love what i make . its not easy for me to get to a point where im at that and even though the desktop alone has so many bugs and little things id love to change i. am happy!!! and content!!! and i love my friends. i dont even really think i would reaallly really want a gf/bf. which is insane im the attention whore ever but it would just. take away from my projects and my personal time lol and im not ready for that. theres no rush, ill find the person in time but rn? i dont think theres a single thing wrong with just being my silly lil self :3 ..i should probably go back to debugging now huh! i said i would an hour ago omg but ive just been yapping to ppl and now on my journal. byeeeeeeeeeeeee

sorry for the lack of updates. health stuff, you know how it is. probably will be this way until i recover + i'm not doing the best mentally rn so site takes a backburner while i try figure myself out :p cool song here

l-l-l-lava chicken (yes i went to the movies i had an amazing time!!!!!!!!!!!) we saw geese i played stepmaniaX (DIDNT KNOW MY LOCAL ARCADE EVEN HAD A MACHINE I FREAKED TF OUT) went to a nice restaruant i figured after the movie was done we would just fuck off but nope!!!! it was so so fun i'm super glad i went :3 i need to go outside more even if it hurts my body sooo much bc i found a FULL EFFING box of my pain MEDS LETS GO LETS GO aaaaaahehehehehehe sooooooo i'm feeling lucky and aweosme today ALSO i won a miku!!!!! miku miku ooooweeeuuuuuuu! i am eating leftovers from that resturant rn (sorry i cant spell it) and watching stuff on laptop w/ miku then ill get an early night bc my body really really does hurt. i cant stay up all night coding at all :( sorry if u wanted an update but NO!!! zzzzs first.. gn!!! :D (tldr; good asf day)

to nobodys surprised i cancelled however we r going to a movie tomorrow and i cannot cancel sooo hehhehe even if its way more scary i wanna see it and its one of the last views n shit n i have tasks to complete in town square so.. i wanna move to japan. the low prices, the neet lifestyle, the powerlines late at night its alll for me. i wanna live in a little city off the skirts of osaka surrounded by 24/7 stores so i can go to persona events easy but i'm still secluded enough.. aaah just a pipedream for me but one day maybe. i would love to!! uuu i should sleep also hi-fi rush is a rlly good game. been watching alot of rtgames stuff oh and i ordered some new clothes which came today i love it when things get delivered!!!! it was 3 persona shirts, one is a junes shirt the others a yasogami high gym uniform shirt and the last is a shujin academy gym uniform shirt (i wanna get the track bottoms and jacket next) i heart you insertcoin!!!!! (and a dressing gown AND a free persona 3 gekkoukan lapel pin omfgg) ok bye for real

i'm going out with a friend tomorrow! i haven't been out with someone in a while.. it's just to catch up, but on tuesday we're seeing a movie together too! i'm not really nervous weirdly. i used to get so so nervous when i was in highschool and i would always cancel but i just dont really care this time. maybe its just because its the night before. oh and i debuted v2 im so happy about how it turned out. i need to add more stuff though, like a real time clock, taskbar and maybe some more icons for stuff. i just wanna make the site packed to the brim!!

i guess my mood is very dependent on how people interact with me, but that's just being a human probably. my friends keep talking about school and being stressed out by it. ive been able to ignore it for a while i mean its not my fault i couldnt attend classes but now its starting to idk. weigh on me. it makes me feel useless. why do they get to go outside and be okay with everything while i'm stuck inside in the same place constantly? it's not really fair. it's not their fault, it's mine, but it's not really fair. i don't get why i'm like this or why i'm so jealous over them. i just wish i could do what they do

they all say i'm overworking myself and max has offhandedly mentioned it a few times but i don't know. can i overwork myself when it's something like this? who cares if i'm in pain from all this work? it'll make a great portfolio. i need to get better no matter what even if my wrists fall off i'll never stop coding because it's the one thing in a long time i've been good at that not many other people are. my dad hasn't been this impressed in a while and neither have they nobody even tells me my art is fucking good anymore. i think im gonna play minecraft. bye

my friends have been talking about their goals or dreams alot recently. it made me realize i don't have alot of my own, so.. i'll change that.

1. i'd like to get better at coding! my friends say i'm good now but not good enough!

2. get better at art! i need to finesse my color theory and digital painting!

3. go outside more!! i have friends that love me, and if i want to see them i need to get used to being outside!

4. i'd like to get back to a point where i can go back to school or an actual job again!! that would be nice!!

maybe these are kind of silly but i don't want to be a digital girl forever! i can do this i can do this i can do this I CAN DO THISSSS