journal

14/05/25: my friends have been talking about their goals or dreams alot recently. it made me realize i don't have alot of my own, so.. i'll change that.

1. i'd like to get better at coding! my friends say i'm good now but not good enough!

2. get better at art! i need to finesse my color theory and digital painting!

3. go outside more!! i have friends that love me, and if i want to see them i need to get used to being outside!

4. i'd like to get back to a point where i can go back to school or an actual job again!! that would be nice!!

maybe these are kind of silly but i don't want to be a digital girl forever! i can do this i can do this i can do this I CAN DO THISSSS

15/05/25: i guess my mood is very dependent on how people interact with me, but that's just being a human probably. my friends keep talking about school and being stressed out by it. ive been able to ignore it for a while i mean its not my fault i couldnt attend classes but now its starting to idk. weigh on me. it makes me feel useless. why do they get to go outside and be okay with everything while i'm stuck inside in the same place constantly? it's not really fair. it's not their fault, it's mine, but it's not really fair. i don't get why i'm like this or why i'm so jealous over them. i just wish i could do what they do

they all say i'm overworking myself and max has offhandedly mentioned it a few times but i don't know. can i overwork myself when it's something like this? who cares if i'm in pain from all this work? it'll make a great portfolio. i need to get better no matter what even if my wrists fall off i'll never stop coding because it's the one thing in a long time i've been good at that not many other people are. my dad hasn't been this impressed in a while and neither have they nobody even tells me my art is fucking good anymore. i think im gonna play minecraft. bye

18/05/25: i'm going out with a friend tomorrow! i haven't been out with someone in a while.. it's just to catch up, but on tuesday we're seeing a movie together too! i'm not really nervous weirdly. i used to get so so nervous when i was in highschool and i would always cancel but i just dont really care this time. maybe its just because its the night before. oh and i debuted v2 im so happy about how it turned out. i need to add more stuff though, like a real time clock, taskbar and maybe some more icons for stuff. i just wanna make the site packed to the brim!!

20/05/25: to nobodys surprised i cancelled however we r going to a movie tomorrow and i cannot cancel sooo hehhehe even if its way more scary i wanna see it and its one of the last views n shit n i have tasks to complete in town square so.. i wanna move to japan. the low prices, the neet lifestyle, the powerlines late at night its alll for me. i wanna live in a little city off the skirts of osaka surrounded by 24/7 stores so i can go to persona events easy but i'm still secluded enough.. aaah just a pipedream for me but one day maybe. i would love to!! uuu i should sleep also hi-fi rush is a rlly good game. been watching alot of rtgames stuff oh and i ordered some new clothes which came today i love it when things get delivered!!!! it was 3 persona shirts, one is a junes shirt the others a yasogami high gym uniform shirt and the last is a shujin academy gym uniform shirt (i wanna get the track bottoms and jacket next) i heart you insertcoin!!!!! (and a dressing gown AND a free persona 3 gekkoukan lapel pin omfgg) ok bye for real

21/05/25: l-l-l-lava chicken (yes i went to the movies i had an amazing time!!!!!!!!!!!) we saw geese i played stepmaniaX (DIDNT KNOW MY LOCAL ARCADE EVEN HAD A MACHINE I FREAKED TF OUT) went to a nice restaruant i figured after the movie was done we would just fuck off but nope!!!! it was so so fun i'm super glad i went :3 i need to go outside more even if it hurts my body sooo much bc i found a FULL EFFING box of my pain MEDS LETS GO LETS GO aaaaaahehehehehehe sooooooo i'm feeling lucky and aweosme today ALSO i won a miku!!!!! miku miku ooooweeeuuuuuuu! i am eating leftovers from that resturant rn (sorry i cant spell it) and watching stuff on laptop w/ miku then ill get an early night bc my body really really does hurt. i cant stay up all night coding at all :( sorry if u wanted an update but NO!!! zzzzs first.. gn!!! :D (tldr; good asf day)

23/05/25: sorry for the lack of updates. health stuff, you know how it is. probably will be this way until i recover + i'm not doing the best mentally rn so site takes a backburner while i try figure myself out :p cool song here

1/6/25: something weird kinda happened yesterday. i got contacted by an old friend of mine. i mean, in retrospect it wasnt that weird. we'd always kept in such even after we stopped being friends friends and we checked up like once every 6 months. it's been.. maybe a year or two since we last spoke? with everything going on, i couldn't really face anybody from my past. i felt like i had been stalking them constantly, so maybe some time away would do some good, right? and he contacted me first this time, about my status on discord actually because i stayed up too late debugging my latest project. idk, it was a nice chat! we caught up, he recommended me a game and i recommended him a song or two. normal! we talked about why i hadnt been in touch and maybe even talking some more in the future. i think itd be nice. but, idk its weird for people to say 'youre so like future looking! you never look back!' thats a recent development like this year. last year?? i was all 'I need to fix all my problems and all the things i did wrong A S A P' and im so glad to NOT be like that now. but thats after years of shit like that AND going through a whole fucking bad relationship and anime arc lol

okay so youre probably like thennn why are you talking about this? everything went good? yeah. It did and idk. its nice. i always had this.. idea that he was doing better than me. he was the end goal with lots of friends who love him and a girlfriend and such but. idk. now? im happy. i love my friends i love what i make . its not easy for me to get to a point where im at that and even though the desktop alone has so many bugs and little things id love to change i. am happy!!! and content!!! and i love my friends. i dont even really think i would reaallly really want a gf/bf. which is insane im the attention whore ever but it would just. take away from my projects and my personal time lol and im not ready for that. theres no rush, ill find the person in time but rn? i dont think theres a single thing wrong with just being my silly lil self :3 ..i should probably go back to debugging now huh! i said i would an hour ago omg but ive just been yapping to ppl and now on my journal. byeeeeeeeeeeeee

21/7/25: oh its been a while a while!! sorry guys! me and him kept talking thankfully. just on and off but, thats how life goes. i met a good friend through my big project and its in beta testing etc.. launching a new shrine today too im really happy with how it turned out!! took way longer than i expected it was meant to come out last month but things happen.. umm. ive just been busy tbh no time for emotional things. dad's been fine, went out with that friend a few more times so im still getting out... probably need to keep up with my p5x streak more LOL ok umm byee play umamusume

23/7/25: ugh 2 days later and im already breaking down at 6 am. i know imm meant to be responsible right now and keep a good image but im just really tired okay. i just dont know if naybody would miss me if i disappeared they might pretend to. but for more than a few seconds i dont think they would. i always talk to my friends about their interests and indulge them and stuff but nobody ever asks me stuff. maybe im a people pleaser maybe what I do just isnt what other people do but it feels wrong and it hurts me alot. I showed my dad pastry and my art on the 404 and he didnt ecen care. i dont know maybe im over reacting and i need to shut up and die maybe i was better off with makoto . atleast i had a purpose instead of pining over some guy that probably doesnt even feel the same. i dont know what to do But i think im gonna go for a run its 6 am its bright out nobody will be outside and if dads up then ill just say i got upset for no reason and yeah Then atleast he wont worry if he hears the door. I was gonna push out an update but idk. sorry. bye

22/8/25: i considered pushing out an update but i realized im just too tired to. ive been thinking about alot lately. realized im asexual but that kind of made the want for a relationship in the romantic sense stronger. god knows that i wont find anybody like ever considering i never ever go outside but. whatever. i can fantasize. friends have been distant. only a few even keep up with me now, the others just kinda watch as i descend into madness from the sidelines. so yeah bad month. ill get over it probably

27/8/25: own pastry now. yeah. whatever. idk. i like someone and my friends are saying its moving too fast? i think theyre stupid and dumb and if it was i would know and kill someone. also i dotn care and i hate them all rn lowk theyve been a little shitty to me so im just like uggghhh whatever dudes. I just wanna be wanted and she wants that and they care about me and idk. i care about them. even if its moving fast. they all have relationships they dont get it so theyre stupid. they dont get what its like to not be wanted. its not like im obsessing over him. but then they come in and fucking make me angry and whatever. i have donut and coffee and smokes. im awesome and epic and they suck.

13/9/25: well they lead me on for a while LOL. oh well. i guess its better it ends now rather than i get too excited and. yeah. ugh. dad. is dying. they said he has a week left to live. big sam (my oldest brother, cause both of my bros are called sam.. little sam and big sam!) came over and hes been great but. idk. i havent been dealing with it well. i got to stay home today from the hospital but i just really do feel worse even though im sick and i HAD to since the hospital bed is being delivered. hes spending his final days at home. it really scares me. hes on alot of drugs and barely understandable hes not my dad and yet he is and its fucked up. my home wont be my home for a while. estimation is monday or tuesday and it approaches closer every fucking hour and its terrifying. i dont know why i didnt do more.

he made me a playlist a while ago, i dont remember when but a few months ago. mostly songs we both liked but theres alot of stuff that reminds me of him and its fucked up. it hurts just seeing his spotify profile being the one that made the playlist so ill port it over to winamp. i dont really like crying during the day because then everybody tries to comfort me. like mostly i just wanna play roblox. its a good escapism from everything, not just with that guy but with dad and. yeah, i just really cant catch a fucking break! i hope rogue calls soon. im worried about her.

16/9/25: people have told me to start journalling so i guess ill keep ontop of this? its a good way to get stuff out and feel good about it after i guess. dads being moved to hospice, he came home on friday or so and, its horrible. just.. horrible. we cant do this, someone has to monitor him 24/7 to make sure he doesnt take off his oxygen or do something stupid. hes like a child. he got physically aggressive with me today and he hurt me alot. i think he did the same to my brother, so its more than likely at this point. its disrespecting his last wishes but at the same time when hes so angry, and making us all suffer in return i know he'd just want us to be in as least pain as possible aswell as him. he just wanted to make sure everything was alright. the sams have taken over paperwork and i deal with the less nice stuff aka dads business, collecting debts chasing up people, telling certain ones to fuck off. its bad. people have visited alot, delivered groceries, made us food, its really nice. alot has been happening and very quickly, im talking to a different person every hour at this point, whether it be a nurse or a family member or a friend or what. i was supposed to go out with rogue! but shes sick so we're replanning for tomorrow, she has a movie pass so its literally whatever.. she came over a few times recently, like a fucking saint lmaoo. charmaine is over too, shes the one giving us food. offered to let us chill out at hers too but i politely declined cause itll cause sam so much stress and hes doing worse than me i think. i think. idk, he had The Crisis Team aka the people who come to assess if ur suicidal or not round and they went yep buddy youre suicidal so hopefully more meds for him to help him cope. ive been ignoring myself and my health, i take a shower every few days and change my clothes then and brush my teeth every day or two, not been eating good or drinkign alot admittedly. same with sleep. off my meds entirely atp because going out of my way to get a refill would be taking time out of my day to take care of him.

my room is a fucking mess too LOL did i say that already? idk. i offered to take day today since sam took night but thankfully charmaine and big sam relieved me of it yayyy. i started using moms tarot today, one of the carers saw and asked me about it. it was really nice, probably the nicest interaction ive had in days LOL and it was a very very small thing. its a special deck atleast to me, gentle wisdom of the faerie realm by sasha st john.. the art is amazing though the deck itself is more up to interpretation and not one to one with regular tarot decks. ..anyways. i drew a card for myself for today and it was challenge which in the booklet it states "2. step carefully and lightly around the thorns. move forward being aware that you are surrounded by great beauty and that the thorns are actually quite small. remember; where there is challenge there is opportunity." i chose to interpret this myself as the chariot card which is about overcoming conflicts and perservering during hard times, one that i think encapsulates this card quite nicely. for there is challenge there is opportunity and all. i think im gonna keep using tarot over the next few days, its really helping me more than i expected. might pick up wicca again too, idk. religion helps others cope, and ive never been much of a religious person aside from the occasional episode but i have a feeling it really might be useful here.

25/9/25: oooo 10 days or so whatever. uhhh idk i havent been well recently? i just. ive been isolated i guess. friends cut me off after dad got sick said i wasnt acive enough so that was. kinda not fun, bf dumped me like i said. umm. i have the good handful of friends that occasionally text me but thats really it. idk. feels like life is just getting shittier and shittier for me rn, but i try to distract and keep up good appearences. recently found out ppl actually read this. whaaaaat? hi if you actually. care enough to??? i genuinely didnt think people. cared enough???? to check this. i dont think alot of people actually care about me and just. like the idea of me as a friend not what comes with my mentally ill attention hungry ass. yeah. ive been thinking recently that maybe im too much for some people. maybe i just need to change myself again until people like me more? hide the parts they dont like? gives me shivers when i think about it like im going through a graveyard but i dont see another way people would tolerate being around me for more than a few months. i lie and i say that i run away but its more like i can tell when im not wanted anymore. i can tell when they look at me weird for expressing myself too much or like im a pity party case to be studied about what happened to me, all of it. so how can i really ever trust another person again? i dunno is the answer! i dunno how i can even tolerate. sitting here writing this to a bunch of people ive never met before. some i will have but. the majority of you who are skimming through this website don't actually know who i am, or are an old friend coming to check up on how i am, maybe laugh about it with your current friends. all i can say is please dont forget me. no matter what i did, all i want is to be remembered. thats all. when i eventually go, by suicide or drugs or some fucking illness im not even prepared to find out yet, just don't forget what i made and that i was here. please. yeah. bye

11/10/25: still not going that good. im gonna move this to it's own page because it's getting too big maybe? i don't know. gonna start incorporating images because large chunks of text are personally harder and harder for me to read. wrists are getting worse, especially left one. sprained my ankle so i cant go on runs. quitting smoking atleast even though i really dont want to. its been. a rough month haha. really rough. it feels like nothing is ever going to get better right now, but i just know i can't give up no matter what. i've been baking recently again, i like doing that but people dont really eat my stuff so its like bleh :(

random internet stranger would you eat my cookies :(

been focusing on work alot. coding, art, whatever. applying for admin positions, getting legal sorted. all scary adult stuff i barely feel like im getting through but people look up to me somehow and think im sooooo cool. i dont know how people think im over 20 sometimes LMAO im literally a mess. but yeah! marcytown hasnt been fun! i wish i had weed!!!!! i wish i had a boyfriend and i wish my father wasnt dying. i wish i could go outside normally without another person in fear of being sexually assaulted! but. nope! the reality we live in!

guys im literally lucy edgerunners! im gonna shower then sleep maybe. maybe have one final cig :(